OMG WE LOVE YOU
(We really do)
We just want to hug you and introduce you to our mamma in Italy.
Our mamma always told us "think before you open your mouth'
Obviously these people did not get mamma's memo!
(Any reference to any person or episode is not accidental, we just don't know their names or we would definitely tell you)
THE VILLAGE IDIOT
TOP 10 STUPID QUESTIONS OF
Q. So if I want a pizza do I need to order it first?
A. we have a few options for you, you can have a friend of yours ordering for you if you don't want to do it. Or you can just stand there in silence and see if somehow a pizza will magically appear for you, or you can just simply can tell us that you want order a pizza and tell us which one.
Q. I think I'd like to order then.
A. Third option, good choice!
Q. Thank you!
CHEF OF THE MONTH
Q. I like to order a lasagna and I'd like to add a few things in it.
A. The trays of lasagna are pre-made and we can't add anything.
Q. What do you mean pre-made? You don't make it fresh.
A. The lasagna takes almost two hours to be made, and has to be prepared in advance.
Q. I don't think so, my family is Italian and it takes 10 minutes to make the lasagna. I think yours is out of the box and you need take cooking lessons.
A. (No shit!) No offense to your family and your 10 minute lasagna but I think we will stick with the rest of the Italian population that takes a couple of hours to make it.
Q. Are you calling me stupid?
A. Not yet, but it is going in that direction. It's taking more time for you to understand that this is not a place for you than for your family to make the lasagna.
Q. You should learn how to cook!
Q. Do you have something light? I'm on a diet.
A. We sure do, we have great salads, grilled chicken dishes, grilled salmon, soup.
Q. Mmmh, no that's too much food, maybe something like spaghetti meatballs.
A. Oh THAT light! Sure, a very light spaghetti meatballs and how about a light garlic bread with butter and cheese?
Q. It sounds perfect!
A. Water to drink?
Q. I'll take a coke.
A. Diet of course?
Q. Of course.
A. Make sure you come to see us when you are done with the diet and you can finally have a normal dinner!
Q. I will, you bet!
Q. Do you guys actually serve food here?
A. No it's a pharmacy we sell heavy medications.
Q. Oh I thought the sign says pizza.
A. It does, but we work undercover.
Q. Oh ok thank you.
A. If you ever need medication we'll be here!
Q. What's in your grilled chicken, pesto, gorgonzola sandwich?
A. There is grilled chicken, pesto and gorgonzola.
Q. It's kind of confusing you know, some places add tomatoes and other things.
A. In that case we should call it grilled chicken, pesto gorgonzola sandwich without tomatoes and other things other restaurants add.
Q. So it's just a sandwich with chicken, pesto and gorgonzola?
A. Also called the chicken, pesto gorgonzola sandwich.
Q. This is too confusing, I'll take a salad. Whats in the beet salad with feta and onion?
A. Believe it or not it comes with beets, feta and onion.
Q. Oh I see
A. Would you like to know what's in the fresh tomato, basil and mozzarella salad?
Q. No I'm good.
Q. Does your risotto comes with rice?
A. Only on request.
Q. Can I have my risotto with rice?
A. Of course, for you no problem.
Q. Thank you.
Walking in during rush time at lunch:
Q. You guys are too busy here, can I just go in the other room?
A. Which other room are you talking about, this is the only dining room.
Q. I came here before and I know you guys have another room.
A. Oh I see, that room? Is it the room where they pass you food twice a day and once in a while a doctor comes to see you? That room?
Q. What's the name of this place?
A. Botto Bistro.
Q. Oh I think I'm in the wrong place.
A. (You think!?)
Q. I ordered the sandwich with prosciutto and I'm vegetarian. This sandwich is full of ham, I want a refund
A. As you just mentioned, you ordered the sandwich with prosciutto, which is actually ham.
Q. No it's not.
A. Let's do this, take a deep breath and google the word 'Prosciutto'. If turns out to not be ham, we will refund you and buy a weekend for two in Hawaii for you and your imaginary girlfriend.
Q. The customer is always right.
A. Dear friend, obviously you are just a really nice guy that today destiny drove into the wrong place with the wrong people. Don't do this to yourself.
Q. You just got yourself one star on Yelp.
A. And you just got yourself 50% off a pizza on you next visit
A. ( That didn't go too well)
NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN
Q. I know you guys publish the most stupid questions of the month, I read your newsletter and I don't find it funny at all. I find it insulting and unprofessional. Also your food is too expensive and you should give a discount to your neighbors like me if you want us to recommend your place.
A. You are adorable and everything, and we really want to hug you, we don't have many opportunities to meet the real village idiot and we don't really know what to say other than 'God bless you' my friend! And thank you, we are really glad we did this. We suggest you read the next newsletter, you'll be there.
Q. You won't dare!
A. No we won't of course (Yeah right!).
(He jumped on top of his white horse with his loaded Winchester and slowly disappeared into the canyon at sunset. We didn't ask his name but we are pretty sure is John, John Wayne)
Q. You remember me? I bought a pizza last week.
A. Honestly I can't remember, but how was the pizza?
Q. Ii don't know, I dropped it walking to the car and it all landed on the ground. Can you guys refund me or make me another pizza?
A. Oh I 'm sorry but we only cover loss of pizza due to earthquake, Tsunami, tornado, and alien invasion. I'm afraid we don't cover preexisting loss of topping, dropping pizza walking to the car.
Q. You just lost a customer!